Tipping The Scale

“All things in moderation.”

Just under five years ago and about six months after completing my formal education (February 2019, to be precise), I was at a point in my life in which I was trying to figure out the direction I was headed. No longer a student, which was all I knew how to be, I faced a tremendous learning curve into adulthood. Not only that, but I had an internalized pressure that I needed to have everything figured out after school: a career, a house, financial security, 401k, and so on and so forth. This was the Life Path - the American Dream - that had been ingrained in me (and so many in my generation) since early childhood.

I felt as though I was a failure. As though I was failing my family, my friends, my teachers - everyone who had supported me throughout my schooling.

My expectation was that everyone expected the world of me.

At the age of 24.

So, under this internalized pressure, I decided to start a new career path: video game development. During the entire month of February 2019, I set to work planning a magnum opus video game, reflective of some of my favorite titles: Legend of Zelda, Pokemon, Elder Scrolls, and Stardew Valley.

Except I didn’t know how to program. I didn’t know the intricacies of game design, such as the importance of a game loop or how an aesthetic decision can alter a player’s entire perspective of a given game.

Despite the amount of times I read online, from experienced game developers, that I should “start small” and “not make a magnum opus game as a first project,” I didn’t heed that advice.

Time went on, I continued to tinker with the game idea, all while not learning the basics. Months turned to years, with still no playable progress.

In September 2021, I participated in my first game jam and developed my first game (Orchard). It is a short, simple adventure/puzzle game for the GameBoy. Certainly no magnum opus. But I was (and still am) proud of that game. Meanwhile, my magnum opus was still waiting to be developed (game developers call this “development hell”).

Time pressed on and I continued to chase new ideas without finishing current projects.

Then, in late 2022, I re-evaluated myself - what’s referred to as a “life audit.” The creative work I had been chasing was proving fruitless, I wasn’t seeing progress in my skills, and I continued to feel the internalized sense of failure.

In doing my life audit, I took a closer look at my goals and firmly defined them: what I want in my personal and professional life. How do the two relate? What does each look like? What does each feel like?

Once my goals were defined, I was able to see not only the steps I needed to take to achieve my goals, but that I had been mismanaging both my time and my skills since completing school. It was a revelation. The biggest mistake was trying to tackle my magnum opus ideas, evident by the many notebooks, documents, post-it notes, and note cards scattered about my workspace.

A wasteland of unrealized dreams.

But enough was enough. I decided to wise up.

I finally understood WHY experienced game developers were giving advice to work on small, simple games. Many developers mention the importance of outlining a project’s scope before the production phase begins. A game (or a film, or a piece of music, or a story - anything creative) needs a set of parameters to avoid the inevitable Frankensteining of ideas into the parent project. Without any defined rules, a given project quickly becomes a monster.

When I understood that lesson, I began reworking my time and my talents. The scale of my projects was reduced and became far more manageable. This year, in 2023, I work on one new or different project each month. It’s the balance that fits best with my life and the way I work - as well as where my creativity is in its development.

I came across this article in October 2023, which reaffirmed that I was (and am) making the right changes towards my career goals. One of my biggest takeaways was reading about the iteration process developer id Software had to work through to eventually develop and release their hit title, DOOM. According to the article, “It was another few years before [id Software] made DOOM, and that was [John Romero’s] ninetieth game (not a typo).”

Reading that line was definitely an eye-opener.

And it gave existing, real-world proof to starting small and growing from wherever one begins.

I’m now 28, almost 29.

As this year has moved forward, so have I. By keeping my expectations within reach, I continue to make progress towards the goals I’ve set; and in doing so, the internalized failure has faded.

I focus more effectively.

I adapt more efficiently.

I am tipping the scales in favor of the future I want.